Outside of a jacuzzi with Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie, it’s hard to think of a better place to have been yesterday than the Camps Bay Football Club: blue skies, an exquisite setting, and a blur of bikinis, all set against an endless stream of cold Heineken. Throw in some surprisingly impressive five-a-side football, and I’m not sure I’ll have a better day this year…

Every year, David Raad, the thickset Lebanese bouncer who owns Caprice, Camps Bay’s temple to hedonistic summer living, and Socrates Georgiades (who’ll be remembered by a string of hen’s nights as ‘Greek Lightning’), the former Cape Town Spurs ‘keeper turned DJ, throw together a five-a-side soccer tournament for the city’s bars, clubs and restaurants. The result is 32 teams, legions of minimally attired supporters, and a celebration of the beautiful game that brings out some of Cape Town’s more colourful characters.

This year’s crowd included Ajax Cape Town owner John Comitis (hair almost as grey as Robbie Fleck’s), playing for Raad’s Caprice team; Benni McCarthy’s portly brother Jerome, playing for Claremont shebeen Wadda; Flat Stanley front man Andy Mac, who’s waiting for confirmation as support act on next month’s Vanilla Ice comeback tour; and, at 198 kilograms, Tyrone from Heineken, officially the biggest man in history to have played a five-a-side tournament, and who kept getting mistaken by small children for a jumping castle.

The football got quite heated, the first punch landed well before lunch, and Bang Bang Club ‘keeper Dale Jackson — controversially signed from Ignite for a new five-a-side transfer record for three cases of Black Label quarts, and a year’s subscription to Loslyf — got the day’s first red card, the diminutive barman stretching up and headbutting an opponent in the knee. Zimbabwean Yaron Weisenbacher got the only other sending off, provoking the use of an obscure and little-known FIFA law that prohibits the making of inappropriate romantic advances to the referee.

Last year’s champions were Saints Bar from Bree Street, led by the aforementioned Georgiades; the same team, playing under the Wadda banner this year, saw off Caprice in the semifinal, while Douglas Oberwortmanhausenfonteinstein and Denzil Solomons, co-owner of Hemisphere, won an ill-tempered clash with Bang Bang Club to set up a cracking final; four goals from a Hemisphere side who weren’t, contrary to rumours, on ten grams a goal, meant the trophy is headed to the 31st floor of the Absa building, and the best view of any nightclub on the planet.

After some grim fare in the Super 14 (Blues-Crusaders final looking a good bet), and the under-19 cricket disappointment at the death, a healthy dose of good cheer was much needed yesterday; Ernie sealed it with a mildly surprising win, but the football made the day. Bring on next year, by which stage my constitution should have just about repaired itself.

  • The country’s top amateur golfers are at Royal Durban this week for the Glacier South African Amateur Championship, taking on a course with some of the most frightening rough I’ve come across (I almost dislocated my shoulder twice trying to get back onto the fairways on Saturday). If you’re at a loose end and you’re in the area, drop by and check out some of the finest young talent in the country. And on a golfing note, pro-am specialist Zanosi Kunene has launched a new father-son event at Fancourt, four rounds across the courses from March28-20. Should be a great trip; drop Mari Leach a line if you’d like to find out more about it. Rumours that Herschelle Gibbs and Steve Hofmeyr have three fourballs each haven’t been confirmed…